Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
