I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
