just tell him i said nine months
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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