just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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