She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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