i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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