I'm eating all of the evidence.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
