so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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