His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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