I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
