not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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