I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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