Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
