She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
