Moan for me like Helen Keller
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
