Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
