ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
