he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
