i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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