There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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