I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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