last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
