Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
