the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Randomize
