there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
