there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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