Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I color on your dick again?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
