I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
