My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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