not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
