I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
