I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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