Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
