I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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