Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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