Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
