the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I puked a lego.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
