K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
