last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
