I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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