He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
