Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Someone shattered a urinal.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
