I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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