She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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