So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
