He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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