this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
