I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
