R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
