So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
